From the Office of Your Dear Leader
For Immediate Release

HAFA dudes! In view of rapidly escalating cybercrime and other mystifying technological advances, we have developed a process that should limit your government’s vulnerabilities in that regard. We hope to shield our government from that which befell the government of Iran, the U.S. Veterans Administration and who knows who else.

This letter contains a description and explanation of the GovGuam virus. We’re having a little trouble with our new multi-million dollar computers (fortunately, currently limited to hardware, software and personnel ineptitude), so we must rely on the honor system for viral proliferation. As we are unable to determine how many employees we have or how many vehicles (with or without GovGuam license plates) are in our inventory, we wish to start over with a clean slate and lots of additional federal money.

Please manually delete all the files on your hard drive and forward this virus instruction letter to everyone on the GovGuam payroll, including our revered “shadow employees” (you know – those who appear only on payday). We anticipate this will help to clean out some of the deadwood, while simultaneously facilitating declarations of emergency in several yet-untapped areas.

Any personal expenses associated with this exercise may be deducted on your Guam tax return and donated to any or all of these favorite charities; the Taitano Illegal Dump Legal Defense Fund, the GPD Drug Rehabilitation and Anger Management Resort, The Commission on Decolonization, the Chamorro Land Trust and the Guam Legislature. Regrettably, professional incompetence or temporary residence at the Department of Mental Health and Substance Abuse does not currently entitle you to additional tax exemptions, food stamps or free land, and please don’t bug us about your 2012 tax refund.

In order to properly address these serious concerns and spawn further expectations of unearned and undeserved financial reward, we have convened a Blue Ribbon “GovGuam Entitlements Commission” to address the above unfortunate oversights and other historical injustices. In the interest of efficiency and fiscal responsibility in your government, that same commission will be tasked to consider and evaluate one additional option for inclusion in the proposed Political Status Plebiscite to be known as the “Free Beer and Barbecue” option.

Should this process turn out to be more than you can handle with existing staff, please do not hesitate to lobby the Guam Legislature for additional funding for which little or no justification will be required. Simply mobbing the legislative hearing room and having those stranded outside wave signs and lick the windows will often suffice, though loincloths and spears have proven extremely effective in past demonstrations.

Thank you for your cooperation and support in these trying times.

Si Yu’us Mucho,
Your GovGuam Leaders